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To modify a famous saying, it’s important to be loud in your praise and quiet in your criticism.  This should be common sense.  What may not be so common sense is how to handle criticism when you’re really mad.  Say, for example, that you talk up an employee and recommend him to your superiors but the presentation he gives to all of senior management would better have been done by a deaf-mute and all of a sudden you look like an A+ idiot.  Understandably, you’d be a little ticked off at Joe Disappointment.

What are your options in communicating your displeasure?

1. Criticize in the open — After he’s done with the presentation, you state right there and then at the meeting that you think he should have prepared more.  One word: OUCH.  All you have accomplished is you’ve utterly embarrassed both him and yourself (yes, yourself, because most people would not behave so cruelly and look down on people who do).  I can guarantee that he’s going to hate you and gossip about your evilness will spread much more quickly because you have an audience.  All around bad.
2. Criticize behind closed doors — After the meeting, you pull him aside and give him a piece of your mind.  While getting some frustration off your chest might make you feel better in the short term, you must realize this: regardless of whether the criticism is justified, an overly angry response is only detrimental in the long term.  As this very interesting article on yelling in the context of parenting says, yelling, even in private, causes a fight-or-flight response in the receiver of the yell.  Harsh criticism makes you look like the bad guy and makes the other person defensive.  Telling him what you think of him, even in private, may be honest, but it’s not effective in 95% of the populace (DISCLAIMER: This advice should not be taken if you work at Bridgewater, where it’s a “be able to take flack or get out” environment).
3. Lie or not say anything, in order to avoid confrontation — This might sound crazy, but it happens WAY too often.  Many managers don’t like giving criticism for fear of a) making the person cry or b) starting a huge fight.  So some just ignore the problem or would lie and tell Joe he did a great job at presenting.  This accomplishes nothing.  You still feel like an idiot and Joe will never get better at presentations and you will never think well of him again.
4. Give the infamous “Shit Sandwich” — The Shit Sandwich is probably the most valuable piece of organizational behavior knowledge I have ever gained.  How does it work?
   1. The Bread = The Good: Even though your intent is to show displeasure, to set a good mood in the recipient of the “shit”, you first should start out by saying something nice.  In the example of Joe Disappointment, it might be worthwhile to start the conversation saying that you think it’s great that he took on this huge responsibility of presenting to senior management because not everyone would be that brave.  This makes Joe more receptive to what you have to say because, hey, everyone’s ears perk up when they’re being praised.
   2. The Meat = The Shit:  Now that Joe’s listening, say what’s wrong.  Tell him that considering how important that presentation was, you wish he’d prepared a little more, or run it by you.
   3. The Bread = The Good:  So as not to leave Joe thinking your entire purpose of the conversation was to attack him, close with some good.  Say that you are confident, since he’s so capable, that next time he’ll do better.  Or, take some of the blame.  Say that you should have followed up and the two of you should have done a dry run of the presentation before you went in (which is true anyway).

As should be obvious by now, #1 through #3 are all the WRONG ways to show displeasure, primarily because they are unproductive.  The Shit Sandwich, though it might sound gimmicky and manipulative, is actually supremely honest and effective.  It’s extremely rare that someone did something ALL bad.  Usually, there are some good things accomplished from every mistake and it’s important to highlight those.  The Shit Sandwich works because it doesn’t create ill will, it doesn’t make anyone the bad guy, and it actually encourages change or improvement.

I realize that there are other options to dealing with arguments or performance issues, so I welcome other points that I’ve missed.  I tried to get at the major ones people resort to.