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I’m teaching myself how to program.  A colleague of mine, who has been programming for decades, comes over and asks me how it’s going.  I try to (naively) show off how much I’ve learned by demonstrating a script I wrote, which abruptly fails as soon as I run it.

“Hmm,” I say, and try to step through the code to see if I can catch what I did wrong.

My colleague immediately start throwing his hands on my screen and telling me I’ve probably made a mistake here, here and/or here.

“I know,” I admit. “That is why I’m trying to figure out where exactly I’ve made it.”

“WHY?” He yells. “Just type these characters after this line right here [hand in front of my face, on the screen]: ‘E’, ‘R’, ‘R’ –”

“Wait a second. Why am I doing this? What am I writing?”

“An error output code! Why would you possibly waste your time looking for the error when the script can just tell you what it is??” He was getting visibly agitated…

“Well,” I try naively to defend myself, “I want to test myself on whether or not I remember the syntax well enough to see the error by myself.”

“That’s stupid.”

“…Well then, I’m stupid.  …Was there something else you needed?”

Being an expert means that you are used to dealing with very complex issues, not silly ones.  That is why experts take all measures to fix those silly issues in as easy a manner as possible (so they can go back to focusing on the big ones).  As a result, they see other people’s focus on those small problems as a total waste of time (as it is, for them).  However, as a novice at something, trying to do things manually is sometimes the best way to learn, and relying on the easy way out is a last resort (for when deadlines are approaching and your solution is not…).

Therefore, experts/experienced professionals, don’t invalidate the learning process of the peons.  You may actually shortchange their progress.  Let us struggle a little bit with it, because if we struggle and come out on top, we’ll know immeasurably more about the problem and the system than had we just taken a cop out.

If you want to help, ask if you can be helpful first.  Some people may feel embarrassed about not understanding something and may not want to admit it or ask for advice (just yet.  If this is carrying on too long, kindly insist on helping).  Those who do will probably proactively approach you.

And, just so you know, just because we don’t (or can’t) do it your way initially, doesn’t mean we’re stupid.

Also, using that word to describe us makes us want to plan your eminent demise… so…

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Walking up to my building today, I encountered a man and his 3-4 year old daughter standing in my path towards the door.  I tried to make eye contact and smile at the man, who, conversely, tried everything possible to pretend he doesn’t see me.  His daughter, not yet old enough to engage in such deception, simply stared at me.  Giving up my attempt at courtesy with the man, I turned, smiled at her, and said, “well hello there.”  She just continued to stare, quite rudely I thought.  Shrugging, I just continued to walk towards the door.  The girl ran after me, in order to hold the door open for her dad.  I gently gave her the door to hold and said, “here you go,”  hoping to incite at least a mild “thanks.”  Instead, she just kept looking at me.

Manners are a vicious cycle–if your parents don’t have them, chances are you won’t either, and that will detrimentally effect how people perceive and interact with you.

If and/or when your parents insisted on your using good manners, chances are they didn’t give you a reason why you should.  As you matured, however, you probably noticed that people behaved differently towards you depending on whether you were courteous or not.

Unfortunately, something as simple as manners matters dramatically in the corporate world.  Your levels of courtesy towards your peers, subordinates and superiors can mean the difference between whether you get a promotion, whether your employees are productive, and much more.  In a 2007 survey, 95% of executives and managers stated that good manners matter when it comes to advancing a person’s career in their company, and that is especially true in smaller organizations, where interpersonal relations are both more frequent and more crucial to the success of the business.

Simple choices of words and subtle gestures make a huge difference.  Some examples are:

• Adding “please” at the end of a request. Doing so makes the person you are asking feel like she’s doing you a favor by obliging, and that makes her feel all important, which translates into a higher likelihood that whatever you asked for will be done and done well.
• Adding “so much” to your usual “thank you.” In this day and age, a thank you is kind of expected (which means that if you don’t even say that, you’re going to have some co-workers feeling mighty unappreciated).  Therefore, to get a similar outcome as that in the above point, add a little extra oomph.
• Smiling.  Grinning at someone conveys that seeing him/her is something positive for you.  It also signals recognition and acknowledgement.  All good things.
• Looking up from your desk/computer/documents as soon as someone addresses you. You’re busy; everyone knows that.  However, giving someone your undivided attention is an important signal.  It means that what the other person is saying is important and worthy of your attention.  And don’t wait to finish what you’re reading before looking up, either.  That sentence/email/etc. will be there in a couple of minutes.  If you are honestly slammed with work, close your door.  That way people will know not to bother you.

The overarching theme here is that good manners in the workplace are actually extremely motivating.  They are also a source of self esteem for anyone who comes in contact with you.  Dale Carnegie is famous for saying that if what you do and say makes a person like himself more, he will instinctively like you more.

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Email has gotten a lot of flack for making phone and face-to-face conversations, which are naturally more “personal”, obsolete.  I strongly believe, however, that each still has its own place in the business world, and each is used to accomplish very different things.  I would even go on to argue that email has singlehandedly made business more polite and efficient.

When you are sent a professional email, you’re really being done a favor.  The sender is basically saying, “I could call you and you would have to talk to me NOW or you can look at this email, react however you want to, gather your thoughts, and respond on your own time.”  Additionally, what an email does, as opposed to a phone call or a meeting, is allow you to make better decisions without wasting people’s time.  Back in the day, when someone had to call you with a problem, you’d have to give an answer to that person immediately or ask them to hold or to call back.  There’s something very unsatisfying about that to the caller.  Now, if that person were to send you an email instead, you can do your homework and respond once with an educated answer. And, since the sender accepts that he’s sending you an email that he has no control over after its left his outbox, he’s not going to be disappointed if you don’t respond within the next 10 seconds (unless he’s one of those people that hit “refresh” on their inbox every 5 seconds…).

For those and many more reasons, people feel insulted when you simply ignore their emails (that are actually waiting on your reply).  The thought that goes through the sender’s mind is, “dammit, I was trying to not waste your time in scheduling a meeting because I know you’re busy but now you’re forcing my hand.  #Lose.”  So, when you think you’re too busy to answer a solitary email, just think of how much busier you’re going to get when that person stops being respectful of your time and starts demanding answers.

Therefore, do yourself and everyone a favor and answer your G-damn email.

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Fear, to take Shrek’s example, is like an onion.  The fear that you observe in others is just the outer covering and a culmination of much more deep-rooted fears.  People are also not particularly keen on revealing to you their deepest, darkest insecurities.  Therefore, in order to manage (and manage away) fear, you have to strip back the layers to find out what is at the root of a frightened person’s (often irrational) thought process.

The goal is to keep asking questions to figure out the core fear.

Sandra is afraid to put her name in for a promotion or transfer.

You ask, why?

She says it’s because she’s afraid she might not get it, obviously.

You ask what she is afraid will happen if she doesn’t.

She says she’s afraid it will put her current position at risk.

You ask why she thinks it is at risk.

She says she is afraid her boss doesn’t like her and would take the chance to be rid of her.

You ask why she thinks her boss would be that petty.

She says it’s because she’s afraid she hasn’t been working up to his standards.

This conversation can go on and on but what I want to illustrate here is that her fear of applying for a new job doesn’t lie in the fear of not getting that job but in the performance of her current one.  Fear is therefore not what you think it is – it’s usually much deeper.

How deep? Fear of anything external lies in very personal issues and insecurities, which we all have, whether it be commitment issues, lack of self-esteem, performance anxiety.  The goal of talking to a person experiencing any kind of fear is to make them become conscious of what is causing the fear and trying to address that core directly.  In the above example, Sandra’s issue is that she’s not confident in her work product in her current job, which inhibits her from ever progressing.  You need to work with people like Sandra to either a) make her proud of her work or b) get her to improve her work.  If you attack the core, which is likely responsible for multiple other fears, you can not only cure the fear but also prevent fear going forward.

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My high school English teacher had a particular affinity to the above phrase.  As demoralizing and harsh as it seemed at the time, it is now clear to me what he was trying to communicate.  Our teacher wanted to make us aware of how what we say affects others’ perceptions of us.  A question you ask can be more telling about you than a statement you make.  Along those lines, if you’re asking dumb questions, you’re not exactly projecting yourself in the best way.

A sample scenario in which this becomes very relevant in the workplace is during the initial months an employee is performing a new job function.  No matter how well the subject matter and your responsibilities with regard to it were explained, a trainer couldn’t possibly have covered every contingency and/or detail relating to the job.  Therefore, there inevitably comes a time when every new hire hits a road block and comes to a crossroad.  Should you ask the question of your manager or trainer or struggle a little more?

There are two schools of thought on the subject.  The first believes that you shouldn’t be afraid to ask questions and that all questions are valid.  The theory is that it’s a waste of time for you to bang your head against the wall in trying to figure something out when you could easily save yourself the time, effort, and pain by simply asking someone who can instantly provide the answer.  The second school of thought, however, states that you should struggle and work towards a resolution as much as possible on your own before asking for help, because that struggle in and of itself is often a huge learning experience, even if at the end it doesn’t yield you your desired answer.

I am a strong proponent of the second opinion.  Opportunity permitting, struggling first to find the answer yourself can give you insights into aspects of your job that you wouldn’t otherwise learn and prevents you from asking stupid questions.

Firstly, what is a stupid question?

It is one that…

• had you thought about it for 5 more minutes, you could have answered yourself
• had you looked through all available resources, you could have found the answer to yourself
• was answered for you multiple times before, but one you apparently did not feel the need to write down or remember
• someone on your level or with your experience should really not be asking (like 5-year finance associate asking how to add the numbers in two cells in Excel)
• you ask 3 minutes after asking another question, instead of waiting and bundling with your next or previous question(s).

There are many reasons why the above are signs of a stupid question coming and why they make you look stupid.  If you’re asking a question that could be answered with slightly more thought, asking it instead of thinking about it shows that you are not willing to put in the mental effort and that you lack work ethic– if things don’t come instantly and easily to you, you just give up trying.  Another signal of a lack of motivation is a question to which you can find the answer among resources at your disposal and of which you are aware.  An example of this is if you’re asking something that was answered in an instructional manual, which you failed to read, or in a clearly labeled file in the same network folder, which you chose not to browse.  Along the same lines, asking trivial questions too frequently shows disrespect for the person you’re asking them of and I’m sure it’s self explanatory to not ask questions that you are very much expected to know the answer to unless you’ve truly exhausted your own attempts to figure it out.

So, before you ask your boss your next question, check first that it cannot be classified in any of the categories above.  This is good advice both for people who are too eager to ask questions versus figuring it out and for those who are hesitant to ask questions for constant fear that they’ll seem stupid.  Asking questions is a good thing and is a vital part of your learning process.  However, it’s important to make sure that you’re asking valuable questions that signal to others that you are a thoughtful, hardworking individual.  When you ask great questions, not only do you increase the likelihood that they will be answered, but you also increase your reputation.  However, when you ask bad questions, you only encounter frustration, sarcastic responses, and doubt in your abilities.  Therefore, both the timid and the eager question-askers should check themselves.  If it’s a “stupid” question, go back and sweat it out a bit more.  If it’s not, you should ask it without hesitation.

(Let me know if I’m missing any qualifiers in the list above) .